Meaning Behind the Song:

I wrote this song thinking about my life and the Borderline Personality (BPD) Disorder I suffer from and how the emotional disregulation effects my life and those who are around me. With BPD I sometimes get angry, even at the littliest of things, which makes it hard to operate or be successful in life. When people see these "episodes," I can tell they question what is going on with me. As a result, I am often seen as an "asshole," for lack of better term, even though I can't fully control my emotions as a result of the BPD.

This song goes on to say how I have made people cry at times, which I hate and don't intend for my actions to do so. I then talk about how I feel shame immediately after an episode and how the resulting guilt then sets in. I talk about how I never meant for the devil to win. I don't know if my BDP is the devil, but at times that it sure what it feels like or may come across as. I then go into how I often apologize afterwards, but after a while I know the apologies can mean very little, especially when I can't control myself in future situations either and continue with the same pattern of destructive behavior.

I then talk about the damage that is done and how people often hate me afterwards. As with most people with BDP, I have trouble in relationships and often the relationships I am a part of don't last, which makes it difficult in every aspect of life. It's very hard for someone like me to live in a world where one of the most important aspects of life, and a successful life at that, are the relationships we create.

I then talk about how I will make a friend then comes one of my BPD episodes and I lose said friend. I then talk about how I need treatment, which currently the only treatment is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), as there are no medications or cures for it, but I haven't gotten treatment specifically for the BPD, because of the cost. DBT Therapy the last time I started to pursue it was going to be a minimum of $6,000.00 with no guarantee to work and that was just for the first round of sessions.

At the end of the song I go on to say that I am sorry if you have come into my path of destruction and that I am trying to work on my heart with a relationship with God and maybe if I focus on that, then maybe God can reconstruct my mind and help with my lack of emotional control. I know it typically doesn't work that way for someone with a mental health disorder, but with enough prayer maybe God can cure me. I have faith!

As for what caused my BPD, there is no one definitive thing rather multiple factors at play, including genetics, environmental (past trauma) and brain related factors.

My prayers for everyone who either comes into contact with someone fighting battles many don't recognize or those suffering from themselves with those battles that we all look at situations with open minds and try to understand before judging and that includes myself. So, the next time you see someone that may come across as angry maybe think about the possible battles they may be fighting, before writing them off.